Regards, Lauren.

Okay, so, there's this boy.

We met on Friday.

He has my number.

He was cool in person.

Over text message, he is absurd.

Upon giving my friend Cameron a play-by-play of this evening's texts, he composed a wonderful letter from me to him in the style of David Thorne.

Who is David Thorne?
Search no further, my uninformed friend: http://www.27bslash6.com/overdue.html

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Dear Jar,

As much as I admire the valiant effort of a big, strong man to obtain a woman, I must admit that your recent methods of attempting to assert yourself into my pants have been more of a turn-off than your hidden sexual insecurities, which you attempt to cover by using foolish sexual come-ons. However, I do commend you on the brilliant use of the phrase “I’m a physical guy”. Normally, this phrase would only be used by bros with an aversion for stupid biddies, but you have clearly broken down many social norms in the search for love, which I naturally have to respect.

Once when I was very young, my parents (who also happened to be my teachers, due to my dedicated homeschooling) became aware of a boy next door who was flirting with me by tripping me, pulling my hair, and calling me names. When I came home crying after he called me a “snotty poopface”, my mother told me he probably just liked me. This belief was solidified when this boy came to my front door and proposed to me, using a “diamond ring” he had made out of the stem of a dandelion and a piece of rotten cheese. After I accepted his proposal, we “dated” for about fourteen minutes, before my parents told me it was time to come inside and finish doing calculus problems. When I started to walk away, the young boy stopped me and gave me a kiss on my hand. When I became happy with this, he said that he was “a pleaser of sorts”. I immediately broke up with him, because I thought this was a stupid thing to say. The seven-year-old self inside of me still believes that to be a childish phrase to this day.

I find myself wondering one thing. How could I have ever doubted that you were being true and not trying anything, especially with such choice phrases as “the only gal” and “a physical guy”? When you said that I was the only gal you were interested in, I was immediately reminded of a 1950s diner with root beer floats and men wearing Buddy Holly glasses. While you might think this repulsed me, in reality, I became very aroused, so perhaps you were right in saying it. I would like to meet up sometime to exchange saliva with you. I will not charge you a fee, though this is my usual practice, and I may even let you pick which marker I use to draw anarchist symbols on your chest and face. Please let me know when you would like to have this meeting.

Regards, Lauren.