Cop Cars and DUIs.

So... I got pulled over by the police just now.

Awesome.

I saw a sign that said "Be Prepared to Stop".

I thought to myself "oh, this must be an accident."

I pulled up to where all the cop cars were and saw a table with a cooler on it off to the side... so I decided they were probably slacking off or something, it was 2 am, after all.

I also saw an ambulance, which kind of confused me, because if someone was dying, I wouldn't be drinking lemonade on the side of the road.

I pull up to where there are a bunch of officers standing in a line.

They start waving their flashlights at me, which honestly looked like they were doing that whole universal "I'm a traffic conductor" sign of "go ahead and drive, just go slowly."

So I did.

Three seconds later, there is a cop car in front of me, blocking me in.

They make me pull over onto the other side of the road, and the guy comes over and starts, basically, asking me if I'm really stupid and blind (in not so many words).

I have no idea what is going on at this point, so I start apologizing profusely, while trying to figure out why I am magically in trouble for driving after they made the freaking universal "I'm a traffic conductor, so drive your car" sign.

Turns out, this was a DUI checkpoint.

Excellent.

They ask me where I was, I say I was at the theatre.

They ask me if I was working or seeing a show. (because this is relevant.) I tell them I was seeing a show.

They ask if I was with anybody. (I was. THANK GOD he had just passed by a few seconds before me, so I didn't look like some kind of mass murderer or something making up some story.)

Then some retard came up on the other side of my car and started searching it with a flashlight.

I hadn't had time to unpack from school, so my car looked disastrous. (With lots of trash bags in the back. Full of people I have killed, obviously.)

Then, the dumb guy who was questioning me goes "what's wrong with your car?" and I was like "...what do you mean?" and he goes "There's mud on it." Wonderful observation. Also, what does this have to do with anything? I tell him it was because when I park at school, stuff falls on my car. I'm glad we got to the point where we could share about our personal lives.

Okay, so could I look any sketchier right now?! I've already bypassed this magic checkpoint I didn't know about, have random junk and trash bags spread out all over my car (which looks like it's covered with mud)....fantastic.

He asks me if I ate in my car because I had a McDonald's bag in the passenger's seat. (Also such a relevant and useful question.)

and THEN he sees this red spot on my seat.

He asks me if this spot is blood.

Duh. Because I kill people and hide them in the trash bags in the back.

Nooooo, it's not blood! It's freaking ketchup from my McDonald's bag. Which, as he can clearly see, is sitting right next to me.

Haha, why would he even ask that?! Do I look like the kind of person who:
1. would kill/injure somebody
2. would be able to do it so well that I only get a spot of blood on the driver's seat? I don't really think so.

Anyways, he told me to go on home, and didn't give me a ticket or anything... but... now I know that when cops look like they're waving you through with their flashlights, it really means "stop your freaking car before we all flip out at you".

The end.